January 10, 2015 - Learn to change a diaper

When we found out we were going to have a baby, my wife asked me to rent a few movies. I haven't gotten to Look Who's Talking yet, and we will eventually watch Knocked Up. But the movie that we have already watched (and groaned through) is Three Men and a Baby.

For anyone who hasn't seen this 80's classic...ok maybe I'm playing fast and loose with the English language by calling it a "classic." It's actually a pretty terrible movie (What's with the heroin dealers?  And Ted Danson in drag?).  But there are moments that are memorable and I can see how they have a ring of truth to them.  For instance, the part where Tom Selleck reads to the baby a report on a boxing match that is clearly not aimed at infants. "All that matters is the sound of my voice," he says, which is my ticket to reading Stephen King to Nugget. 

Another that always stuck with me was when Selleck and Steve Guttenberg (oh Gutes, why couldn't you just stick with Police Academy?), change the baby's diaper for the first time. "I'm an architect, for Christ's sake.  I build 50 story skyscrapers, I assemble cities of the future.  I can certainly put on a goddamn diaper."  Tom Selleck says this right before the diaper slips off the baby, and the baby starts peeing everywhere.  I imagine this scenario playing out many times once Nugget gets here.

To get out in front of this, I decided to practice changing a dirty diaper. Elizabeth had two of her sorority sisters stay over with us last night, and they were eager to help with this task. First, they needed to create a dirty diaper. They had free reign of our refrigerator, and I have to admit that they did a great job with it.
 

Smelly Kid, Smell-y Kid, what...are...they feeding you?!

Step one: Remove the dirty diaper...bleck.

See what I mean? They really went to town with it...

Step two: Wipe down the baby
It's important to note here that I am not having a girl, and that there is a specific technique for wiping when it comes to a girl. Front to back is the name of the game. You don't want to wipe any mess into any areas that could become infected.

(Yes, they wrapped the baby in cellophane so that it wouldn't get ruined. I might try implementing the same thing for Nugget...)


Step three: Position the diaper around the baby
The surprising thing about this task was really how easy it was. Watching the diaper scene from Three Men and a Baby, you would think it was akin to assembling a computer while blindfolded. But all you have to do is make sure the animals (or whatever drawing it is) is in the front.

Clifford the Big Red Dog!

Step four: Tape the sides of the diaper across the front.
You want to make sure that the diaper is snug on the body of the baby.  If there are any openings, then the mess that the diaper is supposed to contain will come spilling out everywhere.  Gross.

 

And that's all there is to it!  Of course, with a screaming, squirming baby, it will probably be a lot more difficult.  I can't remember what wearing a diaper is like, so I can't offer words of encouragement or empathy.  I don't know what all the fuss will be about.

I might have to fix this...TO BE CONTINUED...